I became a cock sucking fag. Part 2.

After taking some time and digesting the fact that I had given Chuck a blow job, life had gone back to normal. The guilt, the embarrassment, and the unusual aspect of sucking a man off had dissipated into my memories. I never mentioned it to anyone, and I never really comprehended how deep it had sat inside the recesses of my mind until years later. Maybe in some ways, I was scared to think about it deeper. Or afraid it may change who I was. That people would judge me for being “gay” or having a gay experience. Back in those days, even if you were gay, you weren’t out and you would have been ridiculed and teased. And I would venture to say that it is what kept my experimentation and eventual shift over to bi-sexuality, well-hidden for years to come.

But as curiosity does; and time went on, I’d find myself entertaining the notions of men. I truly began noticing the “men” more in porn films I’d watch; and in the dirty magazines, I’d thumb through at the local convenient stores. It was in essence the start of a more frequent or at least more noticeable thought pattern of fantasizing about dick. And when I was alone, sometimes I’d drift from being the guy in the video fucking the girl. To being the girl in the video being fucked by the guy. And it was exciting. It opened up a different, unique, and rather heart-racing aspect of my solo time. If you know what I mean.

Chuck moved out of the apartment complex about a year after I sucked him off. I stayed there for a few more years. And on occasion, I’d think about him and that one night in the garage. But those thoughts always haunted me in the aspect that it was “too close to home,” too scary of a situation. Too visible for all those to see. My thought process was; If I was ever going to do anything like that again, I wanted it to be someone who couldn’t have tattled, spilled the beans, or would not have had the capability to reveal it to my friends. In some ways, I was sorry to see him go, because we were friends, but on the opposite of that coin, I was glad he left, because I knew he could just come right out and regale everyone with the fact I sucked his dick.

And I was still a player at heart. Still picking up one girl after another. Still getting laid, still having my fill of new and exciting moments of sexual pleasure with pussy. I enjoyed every minute of it. I still loved when I got to go down on a girl when she’d reciprocate by blowing me. I still found happiness in being inside a pussy and making her scream. But times were changing. It was just changing for me more than I had expected.

I noticed the adult videos I was watching changed from these hairy, large, big dick oafs, to a more modern-looking man. The men were smaller, sleeker, had less body hair, and were even shaving their balls and trimming the upper part of their pubic hair regions which to me was way sexier than that defined “porn actor” look of the early 80s. And it intrigued me more. I noticed even the female actresses were shaving a small landing strip or shaving completely bald and it led to a multitude of thoughts around the overall appearance and like. To me, this was a bigger turn-on than the proverbial “Farah Faucet” bush of the late 70’s and into the mid 80’s. And it was surely better than the gay films of that era.

As I told you in my previous story, Chuck’s dick was surrounded by a poof of hair. And as much as I focused on his dick itself, there was still that big mound of dark black hair that I wasn’t overly fond of. Now being that California beach boy, I have hair down there – of course, I do – but it’s very light, thinner, and less obtrusive than some men. So as time went on, and the more I noticed this new age appearance and styles of the actors, the more and more I became fascinated by cock. I’d masturbate more frequently seeing the actress sucking a clean, sleek-looking dick than I did watching previously made movies. Of course, after some deep complex thoughts, I decided to start shaving my balls myself. It was quite an erotic feeling to have my sack all smooth and clean and the top little patch trimmed as well. Maybe that enhance my desire for dick, maybe just enhanced the pleasure of playing with my own. But I promise you, the shaving got further and more progressive, to the point I was running around literally bald. And I liked it.

The porns themselves were still a turn-on, but I began to really imagine what Chuck’s dick would have looked like if it was clean, shaven and looked sexier than it had been. This led to even more questions about myself and my sexuality. Like, what if he was completely shaven? What if was longer? What if he had sucked me off in return? What if we would have kissed or made out first, would I have gotten hard and wanted that dick more than just doing it because I lost the bet. All questions that I didn’t have answers to. At least not yet. And unfortunately, never with Chuck. But others entered into the picture in years to come.

For about four months into the winter after my 32^nd birthday, I hit a dry spell. For whatever reason I could not find a woman to date. I don’t know if it was the moon, the universe, luck, fate, or if I had grown horns on my head, but I could not get laid to save my soul. And normally I would be okay with that, except for the fact I used to getting laid fairly frequently. I was still horny, I needed to cum and I needed to continue the feelings I was used to having. I had a deep collection of porn. I mean a closet full. And since I wasn’t getting any love from the ladies, I turned to those videos, like a drunk would turn to whiskey. I needed to get off, and those videos were my solace.

Here’s where door number two of wanting dick took a big turn. I watched some of the old ones I was fond of but wanted to update my stash, so I purchased a host of new videos. Almost every time, I found myself focusing on the male actor’s dick. I wanted to see him cum. I wanted to see his face and hear those groans as he ejaculated. I watched as it shot out. I watched as the girls chirped and each time, I would try to time my orgasm with him so we’d both be coming at the same time. I tried to cum in my hand or in a shot glass (or something similar), so I could swallow my cum. Taste what the girl was tasting. Feel what it was like to take a full load down my throat. Frequent late evenings I’d be watching men getting sucked off, pumping some girl’s pussy hard, or beating off in front of their face, had me stroking off hard. Trying not to cum until they did.

Then it hit me. I was emulating the girl. I was being the girl in the video. I had the big rugged man standing over me stroking his cock, while I awaited his cum in my mouth or all over my face. And it fucking excited me. Yet, literally scared me to death. I asked myself, how could someone who had pumped more pussy than probably anyone I knew, suddenly want to be on the receiving end of a mouth full of cum? Why was this happening? Was it a lack of pussy? Was I gay and had just never realized it? Did blowing Chuck in that garage and sucking my first dick, coupled with emotions, fear, and excitement start me on a different path. Because no matter how I tried to focus in on the woman, her pussy, her tits, her orgasms, all of the thoughts of wanting dick came whirling back in my head. And now seeing a more modern, sexy man, with a hotter clean-cut cock and watching some actress sucking it and taking cum, made me want it more. Were these thoughts and actions going to be my new desires?

Truth to be, it freaked me out. But I couldn’t fight it. I was longing for cock. I was cum crazy. Fantasies danced through my head of me sucking off a car mechanic in his garage after hours. Being with the postman who just delivered the mail, allowing me to suck his cock in the foyer of our building. Giving road head to a stranger who had offered me a ride when I was stranded. Many nights, there were no videos, no magazines, no women, just me, and a host of new and interesting ideas roaring through my head while my hard dick was in my hand.

Honestly and embarrassingly, I will even tell you that many times I rolled up onto my back, high up along my neck, with my legs above my body, so my dick was hovering over my face. I’d stroke myself until I came trying to catch my cum in my mouth or have it shoot all over my nose, or my cheeks. I loved having that feeling of being ready to cum and watching it shoot out from the tip of my dick and drip where I wanted it. I was truly much skinnier, and flexible back then and I was trying any way I could to enhance my masturbation times. And get cum in the process. I tried, believe me, I tried to suck my own dick, but I was not flexible enough to do it. How erotic it would have been to bring myself to orgasm while giving myself a blow job and then blasting every drop into my mouth. Unfortunately, as much as I tried to get my body over that far, I could never do it. But I wanted to.

Oddly enough, no man I knew sexually excited me. None of my friends. None of my co-workers. No one I met at the bars or clubs, made me think, “Man I’d like to suck that guy’s dick.” So, it was a wild point in my life. In many of the fantasies I had, a faceless man’s dick in my mouth, sucking him off until he came. Because every time I would try to picture a face, I just couldn’t keep the focus and get as excited as I wanted to be. In my visions, some of the dicks were big, some were smaller and thicker, and some were completely shaven. Some took me by surprise. Some were even forced. Either way, all the thoughts ringing through my head, let me know something had to change.

Enter lesbian porn. Odd you might think! Right? Lesbian porn for the guy who is craving dick. Yes, lesbian porn. And let me explain why.

I finally justified my thoughts, my solo play-time, and my desire for cock to the fact that I wasn’t getting laid. I was living vicariously through the world of adult videos. I was experimenting with myself and what it felt like to get cum. I was displacing my desires because I wasn’t getting those nights of passion. Sliding the panties off of a woman and entering into her. I wasn’t getting those blow-jobs. I was getting the kill, after the thrill of the chase. So, I decided it was time to switch gears away from the traditional man/woman porn, to something I believed would be more lustful, romantic, same-sex attraction that did not include men. Well, that opened even more doors.

The first few girl-on-girl films I watched were amazing. I had seen them before through the various clips of the regular heterosexual porn I had been accustomed to. But for whatever reason, never really focused more on them, more than it just being another scene. Now, since I was trying to focus on one of the all-lesbian videos, seeing two women in lust for one another and engaging in all sorts of sexual activities made me hard. Made me miss pussy, and made me want to be in that action. As I mentioned before I had a couple of threesomes by then, but never as deep, erotic, hot, and sensual as the girls in the video. And seeing the perfect actresses, with their perfect bodies, incredible tits, and their mostly; or completely shaven pussies made me want to stand and deliver to any girl who was willing to be in bed with me. For a long time, it worked. For a long time, I refocused on women, on pussy and my thoughts went back to the “normal guy” patterns. That is until I bought and watched my first lesbian strap-on movie.

I can’t even tell you the name of the movie anymore. There were so many, and it’s been so long. But the first two scenes of the movie were very romantic and led to one of the actresses sliding on a strap-on and being penetrated. But the third scene I will never forget. I couldn’t tell you their names, I couldn’t tell you where they were. I couldn’t even tell you how many times I came. But as I watched the one actress hit her knees and suck on that plastic dildo, brought me right back to a sense of wanting to be on my knees, sucking dick.

Then when she climbed up on top of it and slid it deep into her pussy, I exploded. I watched her bob up and down on that dildo moaning and groaning, playing with her pussy as her tits bounced and I felt something inside of me roar up, that I had never imagined. The feeling of being penetrated while masturbating came blasting through my mind, like a train crash. And it absolutely blew me away. I wanted to be her. I wanted to be riding that dildo. I wanted it deep inside of me. Now I had never put anything in my ass. Never played with my ass. Never had anyone play with my ass, but watching her just screaming and moaning as she rode that dildo, made me tingle. I stroked myself hard and long, squirted lube all over myself time and time again to keep my dick extremely slippery and wet. And when she came, I came! it was the loudest, boisterous, fiercest explosion I had in a long time.

I couldn’t stop watching. I reversed the video. I watched her slide it in time and time again. I watched her bounce on it, getting off. I listened to her moan. I rewound the video back to where she slid off of the bed onto her knees and sucked on that strap-on like it was her man’s dick. I was enthralled. I couldn’t get enough. I was sweating. I was nervous, I had my limp dick in my hand trying to get it up one more time as I watched it over and over again. I had to take a shower after my solo time was over because I was covered in lube and soaking wet with sweat and I needed to cool off. I have no doubt every neighbor in my building knew I was watching porn and jacking off. And I didn’t care.

From that moment on. Without a doubt, my sexual passion turned from me giving it to a girl, to being a girl and getting fucked by a plastic dick. And I couldn’t get enough. Lesbian strap-on 1, 2, 6, 15, Girls with toys. Girls ballin’ boys, everything I could find that included a hot woman and a dildo was playing on my VCR. Yes, I said VCR that’s how long ago it was…

My dick was in my hand more than my car keys were, and even though I still wasn’t attracted to “men” in general. I wanted dick again. I wanted to be sucking a cock. I wanted that secret lover. That secret sex. I wanted a woman to use a strap-on, on me. I wanted to be penetrated. The problem was, that I didn’t have anyone to do it with. I had no toys. I had no dildos and I surely didn’t have a male lover to experiment with. But I wanted it. I couldn’t suppress my feelings or my desires anymore. I wanted to suck dick again. I wanted to feel what it was like to be fucked. I wanted that cum. I was just too scared to take that step. Too scared to go to the gay bars of LA. Too weak-minded to open up to anyone about it. And most importantly I wasn’t sure where to even find a male lover who would be attractive, caring, secretive, and keep our little relationship under wraps while teaching me everything I needed to know about sucking dick.

I’ll be the first to tell you, I am surely bold enough to walk into any adult video/toy store in the world and pick out any porn video, get some lube, and smile as I’m being wrung up. But it was absolutely unimaginable for me to walk into that same store and buy a dildo. Or gay porn for that matter. So, I had a dilemma. One that would eventually have to be overcome. However, at that time, and over that year and a half, until I did, I found other ways to fulfill my needs, experiment anally and learn more about my lusts, my wants, my needs, and my passions, which led to even more wild discoveries.

I’ll tell you about it in chapter 3. I’ll let you know ahead of time; it involves my fingers, a brush handle, and a small wooden dowel, I found at my parent’s house and a newfound viewing pleasure of Bi-Sexual lovers’ videos.

To be continued…