Looking back on those periods of my life. The self-described time of my exploration, the new desires, the things I liked, or what turned me on, may seem to the reader that somehow overnight I became a gay man. Someone who instantly came flying out of the closet. Some porn-addicted weirdo, who sat in mommy’s basement jacking off three times a day. Or because after giving one blow job, I knew. And it wasn’t that at all. In all reality, as much as I talk about the porn movies, the toys that were becoming involved, and the desires, it was far down the list of everyday activities. It was part of my change, part of the development, and things that opened new doors for me, but it wasn’t the end-all of it. There’s always way more to it than that.

Just like everyone else I had a life, I was working, and I had bills and responsibilities. I had friends that I hung out with. Parties to go to. Family to see. Girlfriends in the mix, albeit most were short term, but lovers nonetheless. I played in several bowling and dart leagues. And being in CA, where there is no winter, there are always things to do and places to go. So, the porn, the experimenting, the lust and passion was a “sexual escape” when I needed it, or when the right time arose. And I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. The problem was, the more I watched, the more I discovered myself, and the more interests that came, the more I needed things to complement those activities. And truthfully as time went on, I wanted dick again. I wanted to know what it was like in a more, romantic, loving, sensual way. But I was still unattracted to regular men, and couldn’t find that outlet. At least not yet.

During my alone time, my fingers and the brush handle were a conduit for those new passions and interests, but it wasn’t real. It wasn’t what I had created in my mind as the perfect play toy. The time had come! I had to put my fears aside, man up – if you will – and go buy a dildo. I wanted cock, and since I wasn’t quite ready to change teams, I longed to know what it was like to hold, stroke, suck, and fuck something that looked like a dick. Like my dick, bigger than my dick, smaller than my dick even, but a dick nonetheless. And here’s how it came about.

I was wandering through the porn store as I had on other occasions. I had thumbed through a few videos in the heterosexual section and made my way into the lesbian section, but I wasn’t finding anything new or overly exciting that was ringing my bell. I turned the corner and found something new. I had inadvertently stumbled into the bi-sexual section. Except this bi-sexual section wasn’t two women and a man. These videos were of two men and a woman. I felt weird holding the DVD cover and seeing the still photographs on the cover of the boys playing with each other, and the woman tagging along. But something inside of me felt compelled to buy it and watch it.

I found two videos I believed were soft enough, romantic enough, or even sexual enough to pique my interest, so along with a couple of lesbian videos I chose, I made my way to the counter. I felt extremely nervous, almost flushed, and red-faced as the clerk rang up the purchases. But after paying my money, and getting them placed in that black bag, I headed out the door. The next night when I was alone, my masturbation time started with one of the lesbian porns. It was good, and arousing, but as time went on with those, it all seemed like the same theme. Even though I was aroused by the sexual aspect of two women, it wasn’t as exciting as it used to be. However, my mind kept thinking about those bi-male videos, so I got up and put one on.

The first scene that grabbed my attention was the two men at the beach, having a wonderful afternoon in the company of a female. After frolicking in the water, they went up the hill to a private area in the trees for a picnic, but food never came into the mix. Before long, every one of them was making out and when the one actor, pulled down the pants of the other actor and started sucking on his dick, I was affixed to the screen. The girl was involved, of course, she was sucking some dick too. But the boys were more involved and I couldn’t keep my dick out of my hand. As odd as it was, I was fascinated by seeing one man blowing another, while the female was there for accompaniment.

I was hard as a rock and started thinking how liberating it would have been if one of my girlfriends and a man, we had an interest in, were shadowed in the woods after a day at the beach, all sucking each other off. The more I watched the dick-sucking going on, and eventual anal penetration from one man to the other, I was about ready to explode. I watched the entire movie. Each scene was different in ideas and locations. Still, in the end, all the men were sucking and fucking themselves, with the accompaniment of a female, who was just along for the ride (no pun intended) and I was shooting cum as fast as I could get it out. That began the breaking point. That’s when I knew I needed something more life-like than a brush handle or my fingers and I needed more videos like this.

Sometime later I found myself in the same porn store in the same bi-sexual video section, looking at more DVDs like the ones I had bought. Thankfully I had gone in mid-afternoon, so the only other people inside were a younger couple looking around the area of what I would call the soft toy section. You know, the fury handcuffs, the suggestive card games, nipple clamps, etc. So, when they wandered away from that area, I nervously, and bashfully wandered into the dildo area. I was shocked by how many there were. All kinds of sizes, colors, shapes, lengths, and vibrating actions. I picked a few up, trying to compare the size to the brush handle. I was truly embarrassed as I stood and held different-sized dildos in my hands trying to figure out which one would be best for me.

I finally settled on the little, “realistic” 6-inch-sized dildo that had a little vibrating mode. Maybe you’ve seen that style with the little black base that unscrews at the bottom and can accommodate two AA batteries, which makes it vibrate. I walked up to the counter with my two Bi-Sexual porns and the plastic-cased dildo and set it on the counter. My heart was pounding. I could only imagine what the clerk thought, probably rambling in his head; here’s the gay boy with his bi-porn and a dildo. I know my face was bright red and as uncomfortable as it was for me to buy it, I had to get it. I had to know. I was about to cross the line and there was no turning back.

Upon leaving the store, I was now in possession of a “dick” accompanied by two Bi-Sexual (almost Gay) porn movies with men sucking and fucking each other. I had, in all reality, taken the next step into bi-sexuality and I was about to embark on riding a “dick” versus a brush handle. It was mind-blowing and unrealistic to what I had known, beyond anything I would have thought I would have ever done.

That night after my anxiety-laced, butterfly-rumbling stomach had settled, I watched the first of the two videos I had acquired. This time as I lay naked in bed, the new, washed, battery-packed, shiny, realistic 6-inch cock, laid on the pillow next to me. I watched with great enthusiasm as each of the three actors, began their play. The scene that caught my attention the most was a dinner party theme, with two men and one guy’s wife. After eating and conversing, when she got up to clean up the table, the two men started flirting and holding hands, eventually leaning over and kissing. Before long, one of them was standing over the other and the guy still seated was sucking on his friend’s dick. I got hard immediately. It was like a secretive, sneaky, (when the wife is gone) gay barrage of sex and I was absolutely aroused.

As the scene progressed both of them sucked on each other’s dick and were naked from the waist down. Just that little bit of taboo, no-ones watching, hidden lover opportunity, made me excited. Exactly like that moment in the garage with Chuck, doing something sexually dirty, somewhere we shouldn’t have been doing it, secretly away from anyone’s eyes. So, it felt relatable to me.

When the wife came back from the kitchen. She had caught the men fooling around, but instead of being mad, she was excited and stood watching them as they engaged more. Within minutes she started playing with her tits, and then her pussy as she watched them suck each other off. My mind was racing. As the scene developed, she stripped down completely naked and engaged with both men. Eventually sucking on both of their hard dicks, while they still maintained playing with one another, enjoying each other’s dicks. Throughout she’d have her fun, got her pussy rammed by both men, but still let the men, suck and fuck each other too. And I wanted it.

I wanted to be one of those guys in the video, getting sucked off by him as my wife was riding my face. Flipping around to watch her suck his dick, while he was sucking mine. Or even better, sucking his cock, while she was riding my dick. A million thoughts came to mind, of how I would have played out the scene. But either way, I would have been in the grasp of sucking cock and eating pussy, and being fucked!

I edged the pillow holding the dildo down to the area along my side my own dick. I squirted a generous amount of lube in both hands and I started jacking off that dildo, as I was jacking myself off. I wanted to feel a hard cock in both hands and was visualizing I was lying here in bed with another man, jacking him off, as he was jacking me off watching porn. It was exciting, it was different and it was hot!

Thank God I lived alone and no one had keys to get into my apartment, because I could only imagine if someone – like a girlfriend or my parents, – would have let themselves into my unit and seen me naked in bed, stroking a dildo as I stroked myself off watching Bi-Sexual porn.

Each time my hand would slide up and down that dildo, I became more excited and more engrossed in it. I was watching my hand slide up and down in it as if I was stroking a real one. Feeling how hard it was, seeing the head pass into the palm of my hand and then down, where it was popping way out of my grasp. I was wanting it. Needing it. And I wanted to suck it.

I bent over at my waist and leaned down to the pillow it rested on and slid it deep into my mouth. It was all lubed up, slippery, and warm like a real cock would have been. I sucked on that dildo, imitating the men in the videos. I felt nice and hard like a real 6-inch cock would have been. I slid it in and out of my mouth taking every inch of it into my throat. The texture and detail, shape and length had been the closest thing to a real cock, since Chuck. And I was loving every second of sucking on it.

I liked it. In fact, I loved it. I was giving head to a “real” dick while watching bi-sexual porn and my dick was rock hard, my asshole was throbbing and I knew exactly how my night was going to end.

I squirted more lube on my fingers and started rubbing around my ass. I’d slip a finger in occasionally pumping myself, getting myself ready for anal sex, as my mouth was full of dildo. I sucked that thing off like I was in the Olympics of dick-sucking and if it could have cum, it would have.

During the next scene, the girl was being fucked in her ass missionary style by her man, while the other’s guys dick was in her mouth. So, the first position I tried was flat on my back, I grabbed the dildo, reached around me, legs up, and felt the pressure as I slid it in myself. I watched intently as she was being fucked, and I was imitating her being fucked. I had put myself in her shoes and I was the one on my back, taking a big cock in my ass. I was in heaven. It felt so good, to have that dildo inside of me. The shape, size, length, and angle, made it feel more realistic than my brush handle. I was thrusting it in as far as I could, and letting it slide back out, only to ram it in again, as the actress was being penetrated.

When she switched positions and the woman was riding her friend’s dick, sucking her husband off, I propped the dildo up and onto the pillow, climbed on top of it, and started riding it, like she was riding that dick. I had never had such a deep and fulfilling feeling of something in and out of my ass, at that point at least. I rode that dildo with such force and passion. I squeezed, twisted, and pulled on my nipples. My dick was partially hard and flapping up and down with the motion of me riding that dildo. I felt more alive, bi-sexually, at that moment than I ever had.

I had a dick in me. A fake one, but a dick nonetheless and I was riding it like she was riding cock. I had so much practice with the brush handle, that I felt I had gained so much experience. So now that a “dick” was in me I was going to fuck it had, like I would be riding a man, making him cum. I just wanted more, and more, and more.

Scene after scene, I would try the different positions they were in. Whether it was man-to-man, or man-to-woman, I was bending and manipulating myself in every way possible. I got on all fours, reaching behind me, and was ramming my new favorite toy in and out of me, like I was being fucked. I whimpered and whined. I moaned and groaned. I whispered out words like, “Fuck me. Harder. Deeper” as that dildo controlled by my hand, my thrusts or my bouncing, slid in and out of me bringing me even closer to being bi-sexual, maybe even gay.

Through a lot of it, I didn’t even play with my dick. I didn’t care if I came at that moment. I was enthralled and overwhelmed by this new “dick’ that was pleasing me in ways I never imagined. Coupled with these incredible videos and scenes of men sucking and fucking each other. Seeing them cum, brought me right back to Chuck cumming in my mouth and how much I needed that again. Swallowing my cum was fun and unique, but I wanted someone to blast a big load right down my throat as I was sucking them off. Hopefully cumming at the same time, while I was stroking my cock.

I needed dick. Now more than ever. This dildo just opened up doors, into a world of sexual experimentation and one I would use hundreds of times over the next few years.

Before the night was over, I had watched all four scenes on that video. I had gotten off believing – at times – that I was the female actress, but also the male actor, and I was numb from the waist down. My ass throbbed from being rammed frequently and deeply by my new toy. Throughout the scenes, I wanted to take the dildo from my ass and suck it hard like I was pleasing my man in every way I could. But since it had been in me, I was leery of doing that, so I would just ride it for a while. Jack off a bit, stick it in me again, and repeat until I would cum.

It wasn’t days later that the second bi-sexual video was in the DVD player and I was back to experimenting with my new toy. But this time, I had purchased some condoms, so I could remove the protection and suck the dick when I wanted to, only to bounce back on top of it when I was ready again. I always seemed to have a mouthful of lube, an ass full of lube, and a dildo that was all lubed up. Needless to say, I bought a lot of lube over the next few months and experimented with other toys.

I got over my fears really quickly after buying my first dildo. The pleasure it brought me and the fun I was having led me to want more. When I would return to the porn store and see a newer, bigger, better-designed dildo, or a vibrator, that women would be using, with a swirling or thrusting head, specifically designed “for her,” I’d buy it. Believe me, they went inside me just as easily as they would have a woman.

Over time, I tried little vibrating bullets, smaller butt plugs, and even things I would have never imagined I would use to satisfy myself. One day I had such an urge to be completely freakish and I bought a small little reddish-colored vibrating butt plug. When I got back to my car, I loaded it with batteries, opened my pants, managed to slide it into myself, and vibrated myself all the way home. Once home and completely aroused, I left it in watching bi-sexual porn on full vibration mode, until I needed a dick in me, and rammed my dildo in my ass deeply until I got off. It was a great day!

I became a master of propping my dildo up on a pillow or in between the cushions of the couch, like I had the brush, riding that toy, letting it slide in and out of me like I was riding a real dick. That is until, I bought the first suction cup dildo and had even more and more experiments with it, in all places around the house. Because now I was hands-free, and it surely wouldn’t move or slide up from the position, I had affixed it to. It got mounted on the wall. On my floor. On my headboard, on a book I used when I rode it in bed. In the shower, on the kitchen table. Wherever I could find a place to suction-cup it to and could fuck it, I did. A multitude of fantasies came to mind and if I could affix it somewhere, or be on my knees sucking it off like it was a real dick. I was doing it.

As fate would have it, I wanted more. And even though I was still dating women, the desire for a real dick was becoming overwhelming. There’d be days I would be on top of my girlfriend(s) pumping her pussy and within day(s), I’d be on top of a dildo riding it while jacking off until I came all over my sheets. My mind was influx and at that moment I couldn’t even begin to tell you what I liked more. The only problem Is I still hadn’t had a male lover. I hadn’t had the real thing again. And as I’ve said many times in my life, fantasy versus reality, is a different beast in itself. And outside of an impromptu, spur-of-the-moment, dick-sucking event years ago, I hadn’t been given the chance.

I wanted to give a blow job again. I wanted to know what it felt like this time, knowing my desire for it. I wanted to be on my knees sucking it. I wanted him to cum in my mouth. I wanted him to return the favor. I wanted to be penetrated. I wanted to experience that. And if given the chance, maybe I’d want it again. Perhaps even again, and again. The bi-sexual porn had heightened that desire and I wished I could have been one of the men in those videos. But I just couldn’t fathom kissing a man. I could suck the dick, that I knew. I just didn’t know what was next for me.

I finally found my next steps, with something called shemales. Today called transgendered women, but back then, simply shemales. I bought – what I believed was another – lesbian lust porn to watch. Unbeknownst to me, what I actually bought was a female on shemale sex video. Amid the opening scene, two beautiful women were making out and slowly undressing each other, just as lesbian porns do, and I was aroused watching them, knowing sometime soon, they’d be eating each other out. But as it developed further, when one actress slid the panties off the other, and “her” dick popped out, I was blown away! I didn’t know what a shemale was, never heard of the term. But suddenly I knew.

I could not believe that this incredibly attractive woman, who had long beautiful hair, a pretty face, all made up, a nice set of tits, who was slender and sexy, had a 6-inch hard cock popping out. Both women sucked and fucked each other and I sat in amazement watching a beautiful woman, with her tits and a dick, fucking pussy and cumming. And I was flabbergasted. I almost couldn’t jack off. I was so intrigued, so affixed and so elevated to a higher level of consciousness that I watched all four scenes and was just stunned by seeing four beautiful women, who all ended up having sexy hot dicks between their legs. And I wanted it.

This led to me seeking shemales and women; and shemale on shemale sex videos. One right after another. And in watching them, seeing a girl with a dick, and being overly aroused by the adaptation, I’d suck, fuck and ride my dildo fiercely, wanting that beautiful woman, with her dick, fucking me. And me fucking her! It was the dawn of the next phase of my sexuality and something I desperately desired. And that my friends opened the door for my first shemale lover.