As revealing and truthful as it is, one very late night, in the darkness of my kitchen I found myself bent over my counter, pajama bottoms and underwear down to my ankles. My legs spread, my arm reaching behind me, while two of my fingers lubed up in cooking spray, were buried deep in my ass, pumping, pushing, and pleasuring myself to heights I had not reached before. Moans and groans coming from inside of me. My dick swayed to my movement, partially hard, but not being played with. My body tingling, my ass begging for more, my sexual soul wanting to be fucking hammered in the ass, by a nice hard sexy cock. Wanting it deeper, longer, thicker! Wanting it to be from someone real who was taking me from behind and pleasing me, as they pleased themselves.

That’s the day I knew I needed cock. There was no denying it anymore. After a year or more of exploration, newly discovered toys, and deeper fantasies, I knew it. This moment wasn’t me being turned on by video, or fantasizing about cock, or “pretending” to want cock to get my jollies. But truly wanting, and needing cock. That’s the day I accepted this was more than experimenting. On that day, in late night hours, when I fingered myself, without even cumming, I knew. I absolutely knew! No doubt in my mind, I was on my way to being bisexual, or gay. Let me tell you how I got there.

Let’s go back a bit. Curiosity is a strange beast. There’s no doubt about that. If it weren’t for the thoughts and desires to do more, to be more, to achieve more, mankind itself, would probably be far behind where we are now. It hits even closer to home when it’s self-discovery or self-development. For me, the time had come to discover the inevitable. I needed to be penetrated. I needed to know what it felt like. How aroused I would become by it. Or not. How better or worse it would make me feel? But, being in the beginner’s phase, the use of any objects would start with fingers, with my brush handle, and a small wooden dowel, I found at my parent’s house. All suited for a beginner, too scared to go buy a dildo.

A few months into heavily watching the Strap-on videos and getting myself off on them, I broke my dry spell and started dating a wonderful woman. For some odd reason, she had my attention more than my usual fuck and dump routine. I was with her for over a year and for the first 8 months or so, I kept my porn-watching and solo activities to a minimum. I was happy to be involved with someone and I was trying to let go of the player era, settling in more than I had before. I was coming up on thirty-three and figured it was about time, to quit acting like a teenager and become more of a loving caring, boyfriend. So, I did.

Well, At least I thought I did. Even though things seemed to be moving along as they should, the dark fantasies, the wants, and the needs came flying out of the closet (so to speak) and sent me into the next phases of my change.

About a year into our relationship, I was getting bored with her. Getting bored with our sex life and was aching for something more. Something spectacular, something so out of the ordinary to light the fires again. I wasn’t bored with women. In fact, I was missing that meeting and flirtatious phase. Those late-night talks, the early morning calls, that first kiss. That heated make-out sessions before sex. So, it wasn’t being bored with a woman, it was just boring with the same woman.

Many nights after the boredom with her set in, the porn movies reared their heads up again and kept me in the excitement of something new. One night, as I was lying in bed tossing and turning, unable to sleep, my mind began racing and I started to focus on thoughts of dick, gay love, and anal sex, which led me to needing a release. I tossed in a new video I had purchased. It was lesbian anal strap-on lovers. Of course, I was hard instantly watching the two girls fuck anally with the strap-on and it made me want more. It wasn’t long until my dick was in my hand and I was reaching for the lube to make this as sexy and erotic of a moment.

While stroking myself all lubed up, I decided it was time to reach down a bit further and see what it felt like to play with my ass. Let me tell you, as awkward as it felt at first, it was rather invigorating. I had my lubed index finger wandering around my hole, getting it slippery wet, just teasing and tempting myself to slide my finger into it. My dick was still hard, my body ached and my eyes were affixed to the girl on the scene, in a doggie-style position taking that big strap-on in her ass, moaning out like the pleasure was greater than it would be in her pussy. My thoughts were, well, if she’s getting that much pleasure from it, maybe I will too.

Timidly, and with a host of anxious fear, I slid my finger into my ass. I felt my muscles clench, I felt my legs lock and I felt my dick almost immediately begin losing its completely hard boner. It was quite a unique feeling. One I had never experienced before. I left my finger in there for a minute just letting my muscles adjust and get accustomed to something being pushed in, rather than pushed out. When I felt I was ready I started to slide my finger in and out slowly and steadily, as I watched the video more intently.

I could feel sensations throughout me, that I had never had. I was still aroused seeing the girls, and I was mostly hard still. But now as I lay there my focus turned to fingering myself and getting to know what it felt like. I tried to match the speed and timing of the video and emulate the noises the actress was making, but it was all so new to me, that I was at a loss on how to keep up. I fingered myself for maybe 5 or 6 minutes, until pressure, fear, and the newness of it, made me pull it out and just go back to stroking myself until I came.

Over the next few months, the anal play, fingering, and experiments became more frequent, more desired, and more invigorating, than I would have ever imagined. Leading up to the point of looking for something bigger, longer, and more satisfying than my finger(s). It seemed that every time a video was on, and the actress was taking it in her pussy or ass, I was fingering myself along with them. Even on nights when there wasn’t penetration in the video, I found my body aching for it. It almost began to feel as if my ass was begging for it, as part of the masturbation. Just like a dick needs to be stroked, my ass pulsed throbbed, or opened expecting my finger inside of it.

As I mentioned in my opening paragraph, it all came to a head during that late hour alone in my dark kitchen, when I was taken by a desire to just finger myself. I don’t know what brought it on. A memory of a video. A new widening fantasy. An opportunity to masturbate in my kitchen, but I got hard. I got turned on and I felt throbbing and pulsing from back there, and I knew I only needed anal play to get the relief I was looking for. I dropped my pajamas and underwear, spit on my fingers, and started rubbing around my ass as I bent myself over the counter. I needed lube but was so affixed to being in the kitchen, that I did not want to leave the dark, serene comforts of that countertop. I managed to fumble through my spice drawer and found some cooking spray. I sprayed it on my fingers and before I could even contemplate more, I slid my finger inside of me. I pumped and pumped and rammed it in and out until I was ready for two.

As finger number two went in and I felt myself stretch to limits I had not reached, my mouth opened, and watered. My ass hurt but felt a filling pleasure, unreached before. I kept ramming and thrusting my fingers in and out of me, moaning and groaning pleasuring myself. My feet would rise from the floor, and then lower back. My calves tightened, my hips would lightly thrust and I just kept imagining one of the males from my videos, behind me, ramming his big cock in and out of me, as I was bent over like a girl getting fucked. I couldn’t get enough!

I never touched my dick; I didn’t want to. I needed to be fucked. I needed to be filled. I needed a real dick and I needed to move forward in this progression. And tonight was all the evidence I needed, that the fantasies were ending and reality for more was setting in. I fell asleep naked that night, face down, ass numb and throbbing from fingering myself. It was a great first anal-only moment for me.

Now with all this masturbation, the videos, my fantasies, coupled with all the girls I managed to sleep with, eating my own cum, and fingering myself on a more frequent basis, there were two things that I still couldn’t do. 1. I couldn’t still admit to myself or anyone else that I was more than curious and wanted to be bisexual; or at least have bisexual experiences. And 2. I could not. I mean I absolutely positively could not buy a dildo. Just the thought of going to any one of the multitudes of porn stores in the greater LA area, walking up to the counter with a 6 or 7-inch dildo, setting it on the counter, asking for lube, and leaving, would have given me the shakes to the point I probably would have thrown up.

At this time frame of my life, the developing stages of the internet had started but were not what they are today. There was no Amazon, or websites you could buy it from and have it discretely shipped to your door. You had to go buy one and I just wasn’t ready for that yet. As much as I wanted one, I had to settle for the fact – at that point – my fingers were going to have to suffice. Whether it was one, or two, or trying for three, it was the best I was going to have. I wanted more; I just couldn’t do it. Many nights of redundant times lying on my back, or even trying to ride my fingers were fun, but it wasn’t as deep, as functional, or as pleasurable as I believed riding a dick would be. And I wanted that dick.

I happened to be brushing my hair one morning before work when it hit me. I had this old steel bristled brush. You know the kind, the large ones, with the little plastic tips was my go-to brush for my longer hair. The handle of it was round, smooth, and about 4 inches long. Just long enough to fit in the palm of your hand. I froze as I finished brushing my hair, looking at the handle in my hand. The thought process turned from holding this handle to brush my hair. To, this handle looks awfully long enough and smooth enough to resemble a dick. And from there on I never looked back.

Within days that brush went from being a “brush” to being a “dildo.” I was using it to penetrate myself. The problem was, no matter how I tried to use it, it could never get a good angle. I was holding the bristles while trying to thrust it in and out of me, but there wasn’t a good way to hold it. I couldn’t mount it onto anything. I couldn’t ride it because it wasn’t suctioned cup to anything. And as fun as it was, I felt I needed a better way. I tried taping it to my headboard and using it to slide in and out of me doggie-style, but it pulled away after the first few thrusts. I tried taping it to a book cover to ride, it. But the same problem occurred, it would just fall over, or pull away. I could not figure out a system.

That is until; one night I was sitting on my couch watching TV. I had couches that were cloth and had two large seat cushions. For some odd reason, my brain went into the necessity of invention mode and I gasped when I thought, maybe the bristle of the brush would hold tightly between the cushions since they would have something to grab onto.

You know it wasn’t moments later that I had that brush in my hand and I jammed it down between the cushions and pulled up on it. Lo and behold It held! It was stuck there. And even though there was a little play in it, and I could pull it out if I pulled hard enough, it seemed way more stuck and way more capable of holding than any tape I tried to use.

Of course, later that night porn went into the DVD (a new invention at the time) and I popped that brush in between the cushions, climbed on top, lubed myself up, and slid it into me like I was climbing up on top of a hard dick. I rode that fucking brush, watching the porn actress getting fucked by a strap-on, stroking myself hard, until I came all over my front room floor. It was absolutely amazing.

Between my weight on the couch cushions, the angle and height of the brush being held in position by those bristles, being all lubed up, and just taking as much of it as I could without unlodging it. Led me to the first night of “riding a cock” like I wanted to be. All while watching some porn actress take a dildo in her ass. I maybe only got three inches of that handle inside of me, as I bounced up and down, but the mere fact that it held, and I was able to ride it, was beyond fulfilling and gave me the first taste of having a real dick in me.

Of course, I’d wash it afterward and disinfect it, but from that time on, if I needed to be filled or wanted to have something bigger than my fingers, or just needed to be fucked in some fantasy I created, that brush and I were the best of friends. Embarrassingly and openly I’ll also admit on occasion I’d suck on it too, first, before I rode it. Just believing or visualizing that I was giving head again, and feeling something round, smooth, and hard slide across my tongue or into my mouth was enhancing the desire to be sucking dick. Then after sucking it for a while and being ready, I’d climb up on top of it and slide it inside of me and ride it until I came while jacking off… Often moaning aloud or fantasizing that “he” was cumming inside of me.

It made me believe in experimenting more. It made me want to pursue the “gay” lifestyle. The pleasure I received from the small handle end of that brush was just the initial forthcoming adventures I would have. I was still dating women, still getting my fair share of pussy. But, sadly on occasion within the next day(s) after fucking some girl, I was throwing on a porn, setting that brush up in-between cushions and riding it, moaning and groaning, almost begging for a boyfriend, or a male FWB to be over fucking my tight little ass. Outside of it being solo play, it couldn’t have been any better and set me up to look for other ways to satisfy myself.

Months later while at my parent’s house, I was thumbing through the garage and found this old wooden dowel my father used during his woodworking days. It was longer than the brush but thinner. Of course, my mind jumped to sexual thoughts, and knew the dowel could become an additional anal toy for my pleasure, so I brought it home. After getting it home, sanding it down, and rounding out the top a bit, I found extreme pleasure in ramming that in and out of my ass. Usually when lying on my back, since it was longer than the brush, and I had an easier way to grasp it. I never did suck on the dowel, I didn’t need slivers, where slivers weren’t meant to be, and I usually covered that one with a condom, for the same reasons. In the long run, it wasn’t as fulfilling as the brush, and I couldn’t ride it. But it became part of the arsenal of things I used to get myself off. At least at that point anyway.

Anything I could find or experiment with went inside of me. At least anything that wasn’t unreasonable in size. Things like, carrots, cucumbers, smaller thin bananas, large markers, and small bottles. I even tried making an ice dildo in the freezer in Aluminum foil. P.S.; that doesn’t work well. But I always found myself wandering back to that brush, that dowel, and my fingers to get myself off.

Each day I think I grew closer to knowing; or at least accepting that I was Bi-Sexual. Or at minimum extremely Bi-Curious and wanting dick. Wanting to move forward and wanting to know what it was like to have a male lover. I even contemplated trying to call Chuck and seeing if I could suck his dick again, just to make sure it was what I wanted. But at that point, I still didn’t have an interest in the “average male.” I surely had a visual based on porn movies, and a fantasy for that dick, riding that dick, sucking that dick, and swallowing cum. I just couldn’t find that person within the male population at large.

It was years later when I finally had that chance to suck dick again and I didn’t miss that opportunity at all. But during the next few months through over a year, my focus turned from lesbian porn to Bi-Sexual porn, involving two males and a female. And I finally did buy my first dildo, which I still have and used hundreds of times before entering into a relationship with someone of the same sex. Through it all I needed that opportunity; I needed something different and at minimum was still dating women. So, I was surely getting my fill.

Like I said some days I was getting pussy and some days I was riding a fake dick. Either way, I was getting off and getting closer to becoming the cock-sucking fag I am today.

I’ll tell you more about the bi-sexual videos and my dildo in the next chapter.