Derelict on HotGuySecret
56
She did not die easily. But neither did she die hard. And fortunately it did not really matter either way. We had all seen enough dying by then to know that it was something that had to be experienced to be understood. We’d seen that it has a beginning, it has an end just like any other experience. What else who could say. Hers lasted about ten minutes. And she did not suffer much. Or do I mean long. Not too much or long which isnt bad these days considering. Objectively as the sky speaking. People dying of disease it takes days/months/years even. Poison disease takes hours at least. Fire not so long but evidently quite painful I mean seriously from what I’ve seen. A fall less certain unless from a definitely great height. Then it must be the shock of it, such a momentous thing happening so unexpectedly. Its a life/flash moment. To be fused – Good? Bad? Exciting at least. Hmm. I dunno. But shes gone.
O my broken one, he wept fiercely when he found her. Sobbed as if his heart was being literally torn. It was a great purging. We grew very close even closer during that time. I moved in soonly enuf and in a way it was different and in a way it was just the same, only way better. He didnt want his kids to know about us, so even tho we was livin in the same place we still met on the sly for sex. In abandoned houses usually, a couple of times in the gymnasium of what used to be a school, once in a store when the window had been broken out by looters and was left hanging in shards. That was probly the most dangerous time, anybody really could have come in on us. He kept a piece of broken glass handy his shirt wrapped round one end of it so he could grab it quick. Just in case.
O my entirety of one, Thomáss asscheeks quiver and flex under my hand. They redden, as if embarrassed – or, they look like apples. They are so innocent. I bring the flattened palm of my hand down on those asscheeks with a dashing slap, and leave behind an irridescent sting. I talk to him continuously, compulsively, explaining what it is he’s done thats got me so pissed off this time. Cajoling him, scolding him, always stern, alway patient . . . Slap! Slap! Slap! I will not stop until he cries. He’s never failed me yet. Are his tears real? I dunno. As real as hope I guess.
So then I strip him, lay his naked body back on the couch and make love to it. He sags his eyes his limbs and lets me. I runnel my tongue into him everywhere I lick him clean. His lips flutter, then hang slightly open I can hear him breathe. He is pure sensation, complete physicality. I can hear him almost chuckle sometimes eyes closed as if in a dream. I nuzzle his balls. I make a ring with my fingers and slide it up and down his shaft, almost but not quite touching it. Opening my mouth I make a cave of it and give his cock entry, taking him in deep before closing in on him, slowly but all at once all over warm and wet. I suck gently. Rhythmically. I suck in my cheeks, in and out, in and out. I rise up on him, my musculer tongue stroking licking lapping. Close my lips in a tight ring around the very root of his head, moving first my lips then my whole face in small semi-circles. Flutter the tip of my tongue against his peniss lips, then go down deep again, again, again . . . Flowing off him like a kiss. We rest awhile. Then I do it some more
I roll him over, his legs go up I spread my lips wide and give his hole big wet smooches then I go in with my tongue and french his ass awhile. I know he finds this very soothing. He thinks, maybe this is how a woman feels when she’s getting head. His eyes fly open. Rolling him back over I start sucking him again, hard, I suck on him every way I can I suck him until he’s alllmost ready to shoot, allllmost there then I pull away. Start sucking again, then pull away. Suck him again, suck him in deep and get him close, sooo close to cumming – then pull away. By now his thighs are quivering and his moans sound raspy. He’s almost in pain/this is fun! I kiss I lick my way up his belly up his ribs all the way to his nipples which are hard, which are sensitive very very sensitive now Ive discovered if I flick at them with my fingertips with my tongue, Beautiful brown circles with thick juicy nubs these are the fruits of his body, I kiss I suck, I bite. Working my way back down I take a few moments to french his belly button his belly coils beneath me tightening like a snake. I push at his thighs opening his legs wide I lap at his balls again for awhile a looong while before taking him into my mouth again I take him in smoothly, with long slippery sucks///he arches his back . . . squeezes his fists . . . and he moans, he moans he speaks words of dirty tongue . . . and he’s soooo fuckin close I pull off of him again he pleads he begs he groans he neeeds . . .
I keep this up for a good half-hour, then an hour, sometimes longer. It is his exquisite torture. Its his punishment it is his reward. He is so young. It will become, eventually, all I have planned him to live for. To almost cum. To alllmost cum . . .
57
Theres a comedy playing on the CompuSurv tonite. Theres a dustweb joining two walls of my room together in the corner where they meet. The trees outside are bare. Theyre giant insects, ballooned atomic size in some pixflix long ago now mounted, on display as in a museum. Lined with snow theyre skeletal. A post-atomic desert theyre coated with dust. I bite into his bicep muscle. Not really but hard enough. To hurt or maybe insult cuz he punches me for that, the one and only first time. I learnt my lesson, and hes sorry enuf later. Not right after. Sure later . . .
Thomás. Thomás Thomás Thomás. I’m growing younger by the day. I think about your brainy body all the time. Caaant get you oooff/Of my miiind you make me sing. When was the laughter? We never did. Not after Shara. He smiled sometimes but that was it. The only time he laughed and not even really then was with his kids.
Who knows maybe even really. Or maybe not. Me who gave him that chance at least. ME/I sing.
This shows pretty funny. The woman stars full of herself in a way thats really funny. Maybe shes a good actor. Does she know? Anyhow Im laughing. Lol (löl). I am laughing. I am laughing. Lol. Im lying in bed now. One cats sleeping. One cats washing herself. The room is lit by a pool of light cast by electrified wire glowing inside a glass bulb. When the flat of someones fisted knuckles hits you on the side of the head it makes your jaw snap to one side it makes you sort of grunt. It makes your neck twist sharp and your eyes squeeze shut. It might make water pop out of them, that fast. But his lips were soft. That was the first time he kissed me full on the lips and meant it he hit me I think sometimes to give himself permission to do that. The muscles in his lips was stiff but they could not help but be yielding there plumpness. Nature made them that way. Then they hinted at suction, hard.
It was him did that and that was the first the first time he kissed me kissed me, me me me.
This is the when and the why and the how of the first time he really kisskisskissed me.
Flowers blossomed in my head and, as he pulled away, I felt them on my mouth. I spoke my words of rapture –
She died for that.
And it was fuckin worth it. He was fuckin worth it. To me I sing. ME.
58
Yes, the days are opening again, one following the other, each day a new vidstream followed by a blackout, my own personal nighty-nite. And then the moon comes out. Thin, slivery, tips needle sharp but fattening, looming, bossy, dusky. Or, with one shoulder turned. Or a face peeking round. Or just a mouth. The big O.
Find a grassy shady bank somewhere a ravine is even better, with trees growing on the sides. Find a tree just the right size. Sit with your legs wrapped around it. Lay back and feel it growing from/penetrating into/you. Sit up, hug it if you dare, hold it close. Try it. Once you start youll know what to do.
Petroleum stars. Petroleum sky. Ive lived to see the transformation of the word its come to mean something anything so beyond value so rare that its never been seen and can barely be grasped. And yet dragging shadows behind it/ffffuck/priceless things always do, dont they – Youd think theyd be free.
Outside the window its black. Only eventually are there trees houses and then stars, never more than dimly. There must be thin clouds. I crawl out onto the roof. Lie back under the shadow of the great silver oak that grows in the yard and watch cars go by. Or let my head fall back and gaze up at the sky, the clouds the moon if there is one at the endless, fathomless void why does it look black? if there int. I get up and creep about, moving four limbed across the roof to peer over at the neighbors yard the neighbors windows, avoiding the section that slopes down over moms bedroom and Steves above. Growing dizzy when I peek over the other edge at the gravel drive below. I am bone skinny lanky as a hungry cat.
Cat wants to prowl.
Theres a thick heavy branch comes right over the roof of the house. I could use that to climb over to the trunk of the tree. And from there climb down the tree until . . . until I drop and hit the ground.
Be dark everywhere. Behind every bush, in every corner of the yard leaning against the side of the house theres another slab another puddle of dark. Other places shadows shimmy and wave, mingling one with each other. Always just beyond sight there is movement, he turns his head sharply, its there just at the corner of his eye but always gone when he looks. Its a warm night, the air a bit damp a bit musky. Leaves shaking themselves in the occasional breeze. In the distance he hears a car honking. The streets around are still and empty. The playground by the school looks abandoned swingsets monkey bars sliding board. The houses he passes all have there curtains drawn, rooms settled with sleep. Everything is quiet. He stands listening to the quiet a very long while, peering with his ears. Then he moves, steps one foot in front of the other, makes his way towards the center of town. He wants motion activity life maybe someone on the street or traffic, cars, in one of them you never know each/anyone of them. Men. He moves towards the center of town. The center of town, land of the living where he could climb in, climb down, hand under hand until . . . until he dropped to the ground.
59
They had wives and girlfriends those men in there cars. No deep spell here tho – hell they was just guys, who, liked to get off with other guys sometimes thats all. They drove streets lit with an artificial light as constant as half-moons but more glarey when you looked into them/thru clouds of bugs. The night was dark like sunglasses, up above somewhere off to the side electric eyes vidsight. They drove the streets prowling like cops only liberated. Even the ones with small mouths grinned big. When there grumpy there like boys. But there chins and throats are scratchy – and – thick.
Each time I climb into a car or a truck Im only halfaware of whats happening. My bodys alert but my brains barely awake. Because I am so young. Im looking for sex I move by instinct. I dont want sex to breed dont want it for mating I want it for pleasure. Only pleasure.
These guys in there cars got it get it/for an hour/for a space of nite. They know how to thrill me. For an hour/for a space of nite. They touch me in just the right places, with just the right amount of certainty and desire. They know my body the same way they know there own. Only its mine and they want it. For there own.
Sometimes there smooth, sometimes rough. Sometimes there hairy unexpectedly in places. They have big bellies with soft puddles of skin on the sides they are lean and tough they have long narrow faces with serious eyes.
And then they grin.
They ask me where Im going since thats nowhere special they ask, would I like to ride around awhile? Im too nice to ever say no besides I’m always curious even when they dont look that intresting I wanna know and in that way I discover they all have something to say. They tell me things. They give me words like candy and flowers. Nice looking guy like you shouldnt be alone shouldnt be out by himself all alone sort of thing they might say. Nice looking guy like you. And they know when/how to touch me. I glance over at there faces from time to time. I look at there hairlines there jawlines, I look at there mouths. My legs fall open one of my knees . . . brushes his.
We park someplace quiet and dark. In a deserted parking lot on a deadend street at the edge of town on a country dirt road surrounded by woods out at the quarry over at the docks down by the smelly lake. His hand falls on my thigh. I put my hand on top of his then let it travel slowly up his arm. Its very warm. Im very relaxed. Sometimes I want our mouths to meet sometimes not sometimes they do either way. I grow hard always very hard very fast under the warmth of his palm. He applies more and more pressure then very . . . harder. When he squeezes my balls I –
The whole world is our bedroom. The trees the skies the parking lots the dirt roads the muddy shores the curtain of dark. This is what they used to call being in love just a little. I fall in love just a little sometimes every nite.
60
Of course eventually I did run into a kind of a freak. A guy that is who freaked out on me a little. Nice looking guy. Fairly fit body, nice enough arms, almost handsome if he’d had a bit more chin. But as we were driving I noticed his eyes doing a kind of strange dance maybe theyd always been strangely dancing and I just hadnt noticed I dont know. Side to side sure but also in and out. Except that I’d looked into his eyes before I got into the car, I always did that much. Just to make sure. And his eyes had been fine. Or so I’d thought. So I was watching them turning strange, which made it all seem even stranger. He drove me way out into the country down dirt roads through some trees to a cul-de-sac ending in a grassy field bulbing out like a mushroom head at the end of a . . . well a penis. We got out of the car. Then he was suddenly very angry. I hadnt done anything he just started acting pissed off for no good reason. Even batted my head, pushed me around, called me mean names. Slapped me. He was in a stoopid idiotic rage, and because of nothing I’d done – when why where shit had happened to him I dont know, but it wasnt me. He half pushed half threw me to the ground I felt my forehead scraping and his hands grabbing at my clothes and then I guess he kind of raped me. I mean I tried to be willing but by the end of it I was crying alot. He fucked me before I was ready. It hurt when he fucked me, plus he kept hitting me with the side of his fist he kept hitting my head. He’d fuck me a few times then hit me a few times. After awhile he was pounding on my back in rhythm with his thrusting. Seriously he’s turned me all black and blue. I had my arms and my hands up covering my face and neck I curled my head down under me. He fucked me hard. Afterwards he said it had excited him to find someone who liked it rough. He hoped he hadnt gone too far tho – had he? He looked round like nervous nervous jerked his pants up then told me to get back in the car. He said he’d like to fuck me again sometime he said he’d like to grab me somewhere jump out at me and rape me for real. He said or crawl into my house sometime and hide. These were just fantasies he said. His eyes were dancing still. He stared at me without blinking. Where abouts did I live? he asked he’d drive me home. I wouldnt tell him. I tried to say but he snapped Tell me or shut up you bitch and he sounded pissed again so I did shut up I shut up like a bitch. We was silent all the way back into town. Except for my quiet snuffling. I told him a wrong place for where I lived and right before he let me out he told me I was going to meet him same place same time next week. He said if I didnt he’d find me anyway, he’d track me down. So I said ok. I had to lose him then. I told him I had to go in the backway of the house instead I cut zigzagging thru a bunch of backyards to get home.
My brother beat him up. He found the bruises on me quick enough and threatened to give me more if I didnt tell him how I’d got them. I’d had enuf with bruises so I did. Bad luck for the fucker who did me but oh well. I told my brother everything. I ended up having to, I ended up having to tell him about all the men, and the tree, and how I got in and out at nite. I had to, the story fell apart if I left out any of the pieces. He’d snoop them out anyways. So the next weekend he had me go meet my ‘rapist boyfriend’ as he kept sarcasticly calling him, and he hid in the shadows nearby behind some bushes. When the guy drove up and I hopped into the front seat Steve darted out and hopped in beside me. He made out like he was a friend of mine intrested in participating in the scene, lets go. I say its all true and the guy takes one look at Steve wets his lips like, ok like fuck yeah ok. He figured theyd both be raping me I guess. He drove us out to same field he’d taken me to before, and along the way I see his eyes starting to dance again but when he looked at me this time there was a kind of happy mad lightning in his crazy bulbs but they was starting to look a little uneasy too because Steve, I think he mustve been on zip that nite because he was twitchin and jerkin all around in his seat. And boy did something about this guy set him off too I could just tell. So the guys looking a little uneasy but then I see him catch onto the idea when his eyes dart at me that its me Steves pissed off with and thats why the two of them was going to be having this field day on me both of them just sooo fucking pissed off. For whatever reason. He gave me a sideways grin his lower jaw slid off to one side. The idea pleased him so much he reached down and gave his dick a squeeze. Uh-huh he said, nodding.
When we got to the field Steve got out and the guy got out I stayed in the car and Steve walked over to the guy and I saw the guys grin fade then I turned around in my seat I looked out at the trees heard the first soft thud of fist hitting belly. The guy whimpered Dont! then Steve beat the shit out of him. No permanent damage just enough to leave a strong impression. Really strong. Arent you gonna fuck me? the guy asks when Steves done with him, so Steve fists him in the belly grinds it in and up and up and up until the guy vomits. Now youve been fucked. Then we tell him to drive us back into town again. Steve sits right up close beside him the whole time and the whole way back he’s got his face turned to the guy his lips are moving he’s saying if he ever tells anything or tries to do anything or if he ever comes near me again he’s a dead man does he hear? he’s dead. Dead. He keeps saying this over and over. Dead. Death. Dead. You. The guy doesnt like anything about whats happening to him I can see that clear. I dont blame him I wouldnt too. I think the message gets thru. His nose is leaking snot and blood and the way he’s moving his tongue around in his mouth I figure a couple of teeth got loose. Or lost. He’d got worse than he gave me. Except for the fucking. Well . . .
Dont feel too bad for him or anything later Steve slapped me around some too. To teach me. I could take that, the worst of it was that from then on it took a long long time for him to believe I really loved him. Even after what he’d done for me that nite and the totality of my love was unwavering forever. Some faith had got broke and what I came to realize is that it would take a lifetimes devotion for me to restore it to him. Or maybe I just wanted it that way anyways. I dont know. It dont matter. Thats how it became. Thats how it was.
I wish I had something to smoke.
Frank beat him up. He found the bruises on me quick enough and threatened to give me more if I didnt tell him how I’d got them. I’d had enuf with bruises so I did. Bad luck for the fucker who did me but oh well. I told Frank everything. I ended up having to, I ended up having to tell him about all the men, and the tree, and how I got in and out at nite. I had to, the story fell apart if I left out any of the pieces. He’d snoop them out anyways. So the next weekend he had me go meet my ‘rapist boyfriend’ as he kept sarcasticly calling him, and he waited in an unmarked cruiser parked under the shadowy nearby trees. He told me when the guy drove up I should go over to his car open the door and tell him I wasnt intrested in going anywhere with him but leave the door open long enuf for Frank, who would be pulling out from under the trees about then, to get a good look at him. And when he flicked on the light in his vehicle so the guy could see him staring at him, dressed to the hilt in his cops uniform, we figured he’d be ready to exit the scene without bothering me no more. Meanwhile Frankd get the make of the car. He’d get the license plate number. He’d get everything he needed to know.
A few days later I heard Frank kicking on my door with his bare foot thunk thunk and when I opened it he handed me a sheet with stats on it about a man whod been beaten so badly he’d been put in the hospital. Couldnt remember who done it. Nobody knew. Then Frank showed me his knuckles all red and puffy and bruised. He pulled me up the stairs to my place and started yelling at me. Again. He pushed me around quite a bit but he didnt hit me no more that time. He made me get down on my knees and suck him off instead. I’m raping your face he kept saying as he thrust. I’m raping your fucking face.
I knew that from then on I would always be damaged goods in his eyes.
I had the feeling he liked it that way.
61
Thomás says he wants to join the AMF. Dear Diary: Please Dont Let Him Go. I had no idea he wanted to fly sims/dangerous game! I had no idea he wanted to fight at all. There are currently three separate war zones he could be assigned to. Of course he’d have to take training classes first. And before anything else he’d need to undergo a fizznap exam. The ‘apptitude’ part I’m sure he’d pass, they make it hard not to anymore, tho I’m not sure he’d be AMF material. Whatll he do if he’s just a pickatron I wonder? And hows he going to pay for all this? Using the money he’s made off me for starters the little sweetie but he’s never had a physical before. I order him to stand up and strip/then I examine him// All over. Up close. I tell him I dont have the kind of instruments an examiner would use that fingers and lips and tongue were the most sensitive tools I had. So I used them instead. All over him. Everywhere.
He told me I could fuck him for some extra bills. This irritated me no end I knew the only reason he was offering was cuz he wanted to leave. I had my excuse so I spanked him. Walloped him good. I told him he couldnt start bawling this time, not if was going to be an AMF man. Then I kept on slapping his ass, punching it, driving my knuckles into it, telling him that acting like some common little whore hurt me made me feel so bad I had to keep on smacking his ass and I did I kept on smacking it until he started bawling anyway. Then he hollered he’d never hollered before he barely even spoke but now all of a sudden he hollers “Well I aint fuckin free!” I wanted to laugh but I acted like that pissed me off even more so I walloped him some more. Slapped his punched his ass pummeled it purple with my fist. Finally he said he was sorry. He was sooorrryyyy! And I figured he meant it. So then I fucked him I fffucking ffffucked him. And it was good. I mean I was so mad I believed it but really I was hurt I could hardly feel it but I believed it so I fucked him good. Of course I didn’t even give him anything after. If there was a next time well maybe I might throw him a bill then I said. I made sure he heard this really heard it if there was a next time next time next time before he left. He began to cry again. I dont know why. His face crumpled and he fell into my arms, buried his face in my neck and cried hard for a whole minute. I didnt know what it was all about. I didn’t care. I liked holding him. I liked his big back. I liked making him feel whatever there was there to feel.
When he lifted his face it was a wet, quivering mess. I went to the sink dampened a cloth and cleaned him up a bit. I had a specially good time with his lips. I kept wrapping the cloth over them and pulling, gently,,gently,,, When I was done the skin all around his mouth was deliciously red, entirely suckable, like a piece of ripe fruit freshly cut. I lifted his chin/looked at him squarely/”Your all right,” I said. I spoke slowly and distinctly. “Your aaall right.” At last his shoulders relaxed into their usual slump and his eyes grew listless again. I leaned forward and kissed him lightly on his delightfully unresponsive mouth.
“Go,” I said.
I’m not sure how I’ll play this. Hmmm. Fucking him felt really good. I havent fucked anyone in a long time. It felt really, really, good. I need to be careful not to get stuck on his ass – or in his ass lol. But its such a beeyouuutiful ass. Nice and long, a big motherfucking thing. Plump but also muscly. And the way he moved his legs around earlier when I was fffucking him . . . Unh.
The moon is ripening, left to right. So how will I play this? Forward or back or settle down, for now? I could give him a disease. Nothing painful, just something that would make him unfit militarially. A weak heart? Hmm, I dunno I dunno. What will happen? Which way will I go
PART SIX
END