Derelict on HotGuySecret
62
Trees are the hugest plants arent they just giant weeds really. Fffuck fuck fuck fuck ffffuck. I love to see them at dusk especially black siloettes against the sky like bristles some thorny hard spiked billowing eruptions.
Wwelll Im sorry but people dont look hard enuf at plants. Fffuck they are beyootiful really in spring everything brite and thrusting firm its a physical feating. So many greens/greys/browns here where there are hills a whole wonderful worldful really and then there are the flowers blue/purple/white and then the fruits/roots/seeds/nuts the leaves grown spotty and drooping chewed and popping warts. And dont even get me started on the wind! The leaves still green tho so many different shapes and sizes unfurled ffffuck and textures/scents. Green has a smell. Every color does the secret is to smell it when its most itself/brand new. And all together = light you can wash in that. When I was a boy everyone wanted to own a tiny plot of land covered with a perfectly trimmed perfectly level mini-field of manicured grass. This was our dream sorrowful as it now seems. Then parking lots took over and Henry Ford burns in hell which is red very very red it smells like melting tar everythings made of it.
I like(smell me)to go walking in the local cemetery in the evening after the dinner dishes are washed and the leftovers stowed in the frrridge and I stay until its completely nite. Creepy and delicious it may be a moon bumpy clouds a splatter of stars something cut a spray of droplets fly light. And me so small so nothing in the face of it all that I nuzzle the earth I rejoice in the sky where else is home is what none of them knows. Do me alone.
63
There was only a few times well twice a year when I couldnt wait for nite. That was when its coming came right at dinnertime then of course I had to be home. Wee always had dinner at the same time every day mom always insisted on that. Otherwise she didnt care if I came in after dark of course she didnt know I was hanging out in the cemetery later when I’d started running the cemetery was perfect anyway round and round the circling path so it didnt even matter.
I remember the lightfading from the little dining crevice where the three of us sat at the bent table. Weeknites these were school nites and summer nites too autumn and spring nites. The house was sloppy mom tried but Steve never cleaned up after hiself except when ordered to and half the time neither did I. Then suddenly he started ordering me to clean up for the both of us or he’d beat me up but that was a little later or sometimes he beat me up anyways. Just cuz he was mad all the time. But he was fun too in those days sometimes we ruffhoused and wrestled jacked around just for laughs. Or we threw a ball or played some game whatever was my favorite. I remember hair sprouting and voices froglike changing and I admired him. Studied him around that time with a surprise frankly bordering on stunned. The hair on his legs and stuff like that. Also he was looking more and more like dad these days for one thing, then I started changing too and was looking more like dad not exactly but in a kind of sideways “I can see him in your mouth sometimes” Steved say. But it was just a jenetic echo/I know for a fact both of us hated it/him what a stupid gift is what we thought.
At nite I look down at my belly I keep checking it checking it out. Its growing flatter then fuzz appears. I start doing situps I keep trying to do more every day they make something tickle down deep in my gut I like that tickle. I keep checking my dick too its getting bigger again it looks like its growing all the time. It fascinates me ffffascinates me to see how very much my balls have gotten more welll bulbous sending out fresh vessicules and rooting deeply hairily and my dick seems to me darker in color now too and more veiny. I keep looking at it checking it every day checking it out checking it out.
There is the smell of growing grass the smell of damp bark. Mom hovering in the background going to work coming back home cooking cleaning dad a shadowy figure I barely ever see him and at this point I hardly know. Anything Steve stays with him twice a month on weekends. I used to get jealous at the time but not anymore Steve says dad can be a mean old bastard which is why he beats me up sometimes I spose when he comes back home. Throws me down wrestles me hits me scrubs my scalp with his knuckles. Throws me around usually like into a sofa or a chair but this one time he knocked me into a table but he was sorry afterwards and asked me not to tell so I didnt when mom asked about the bruise on my cheek I just said we was ruffhousing and I fell no big deal nobodys fault. She bought it. And really he didnt beat me up so bad after that usually tho.
Spring is coming. You know that dank and heavy air just ready to burst its so juicy. He touched me sometimes when we wrestled he touched me places like on my nipples under my shirt or cupping my asscrack pressing his fingers into the space between my ass and my balls. That always made my knees go soft then he’d flip me right over. The carpet is green. The windows a blank I hear the wind. But looking up all I see is an endless black and then far far up above the prickling of stars his fingertips his touch.
64
Look at the pebbles, the dirt beneath the toe of my shoe. Greys and browns, blacks, pebbles smooth pebbles jagged many sided/dirt crumbly like cake or stiff with clay or a slur of wet brown. Everything in a state of decaying growth whatever momentary stage. Then the ants occasionally a bumbling beetle a squigglyever a very small earthworm moistly stuck with bits of dried leaves. Pushing long noses into the ground or scuttling skinny legs under a stone. Later there would be caterpillars butterflies tiny moths grey/brown beetles darting spiders zinging mosquitoes plus heres Mister Fly. Death takes its wings and arent maggots pearly.
Its the first saturday. of summer. vacation. I’m meeting Toad at noon-or-so, we’re gonna spend the day hanging out together just doing whatever. In the woods maybe follow a path squat down by the creek, maybe the school playground later just to see what it looks like all empty now remembering the year back when then back to his house, his parents arent home. My mother is. Fffuck its weird being in somebody elses house in the long stretched out middle of the afternoon. This house smells strange to me not to Toad tho and the light slanting in through the curtains is a different color from any I know but to everybody who lives here it all looks natural. Today there wasnt even nobody else around it was just me and Toad and roomfuls of stillness. Fffuck its warm, Toads whole room when we go in is full of thick sunlight. I ask him to close the curtains. In the dusk that follows he gets his stamp album out, a large blue book with a shiny plastic cover. We lie on the floor and look at his stamp collection awhile and then we’re thinking about playing a game a card game maybe when we hear a screen door slamming down below.
Fffuck. Now we can hear someone moving about in the kitchen, opening the frrridge, rattling about in a drawer, banging it shut. Must be Beau says Toad, trying to sound casual like we both wasnt already thinking that. Beau was Toads older brother. Beau was tough, not as tough as my brother, Beau was tough like bragging about it all the time, showing off about it all the time. He wanted people to know it, even his little bothers punk friend. And he wasnt gloomy like Steve was, he stood very tall and had thick curly light brown hair and a kind of creamy gold hued skin. I told Toad once that I thought his brother was kinda good looking for a guy. Toad just sorta shrugged and said I guess in a way that sounded either like he didnt care or didnt want to hear about it, up to me.
After a few minutes we hear Beau come up the stairs almost like running like he was bouncing up the stairs and Toad and I both sort of held our breath because sometimes, if we was alone, Beau could do things – hassle us, needle us, scare us, make fun of us – whatever. His bedroom was on the opposite side of the hall from Toads. I could see Toad wishing he’d thought to shut his door but – too late, Beau was standing right there in the hall in front of us cramming the last half of a sandwich into his mouth. We sat there kind of half watching him, heads bowed eyes shooting sideways glances waiting to see what he might or might not decide to do. He had his shirt off his body was long and smooth and slim, new muscle rippling lightly under the skin. He sucked at something that had dribbled onto one of his fingers, half-looking at us when he felt our eyes on him. He takes us in smirking like he almost dont care what we think about him but then again maybe. Anyways he’s registered us/me. Za, he says and we say Za back. His bicep peaks the muscle mounding as he raises a hand up to wipe at his mouth. I’m looking too hard. He notices, ducks his head and narrows his eyes, casting a glance at me from under the lids. Toads watching me out of the corner of his eye. I dont know what to do. My throat goes tight. I feel irritated and stupid.
65
Fffuck next thing I know he disappears into his room and shuts the door. So what else Toad and I go back to looking at stamps. Stamps! The heat in the room is heavy yellow beams of sunlight beat against the curtains I can feel myself dampening with sweat. The door opens across the hall. Beau reappears. He’s still fffuck half-naked barefoot too. His jeans fit tite. He’s standing in the doorway, he tells Toad Come here I wanna say somethin to you. Toad stands up I look at the line of fine hairs running down Beaus belly. Toad moves towards him I notice the length of his feet the high arch the way the pads of his toes rest against the floor. Toad stops in front of him he glances over Toads shoulder, at me. He tells Toad we aint got no pop in the refrigerator. Tells him to go to the store and get some, hands him a bill. Tells him he wants some pop Now. When Toad says Why he says, Cuz Thats why. Toad starts to squeal about it so with no warning at all Beaus suddenly grabbing him in a headlock and squeezing his arm in tight. I know how that feels cuz Steves done it to me plenty of times. After awhile it feels like your eyes are gonna pop out. Finally Toad yips Alright! geez Beau! and Beau lets him go. Toad sticks the money in his pocket and turns his head my way. You comin? he asks. Beau goes Whats the matter, cant you two girls be alone for even one second? Toad and I look at each other. Guess I’ll stay here I say. Toad looks at me like he’s kinda scared or something then turns and trots off down the hall to the stairs.
Beau leans against the doorway, watching him go. His arms are crossed, I’m looking at them I feel his eyes turning back to me now. My eyes drop to the floor. The silence grows very loud. Theres a high-pitched singing in my ears. Every few seconds I steal a glance at him like I just want to see if he’s still standing there or what but each time taking in another part of his body, an arm, a leg, a patch of bare skin. His belly, flat, slightly concave. His chest flaring like wings. His nipples, large, brown, but almost pinkish at the nubs, a little moist with sweat. I look at them at those twice twice and back again. Suddenly I notice that I’m breathing through my mouth. I close it and look down at the floor.
He mutters something, Whazza maybe. Then he turns and walks over to his bedroom door. He has a chinup bar there, high up, a silvery metal shiny tube. He grabs the bar with one hand as he’s going by and then, almost like he’d been caught by it, swings back around until he’s facing me then just hangs there for a minute from one hand looking at me. I stare. I cant help looking at his hairy armpit. I cant help it. He gazes back at me, watching me, staring at me so directly, so intently, that I cant help looking away and then looking back again. He grabs the bar with both hands and starts chinning, pulling himself up and dropping down, again, again, six times, seven, eight, ten, twelve. On the last one he switches to lifting his knees to his belly, hangs straight and lifts four times, six, eight times, ten, twelve. Finally he drops from the bar and walks around his room a minute shaking his arms out. His bellys sucking in and out and he keeps moving in and out of my sight as he paces like, now you see me now you dont. Finally he comes to a halt in front of the door and looks over at me. The muscles in his belly are even titer now than they was before, I can see ridges, and over them a little trickle of sweat running down. He glances up at the bar, then back at me. You like that? he says, his voice so low I almost miss it. You like it when I do all that? Yuh I say. You look good I mean, I mean – I can tell you work out alot.
Yuh no shshit he says.
I noticed it before I say stumbling a little my voice I mean I mean you look alot different than you did last summer.
Uh-huh. Oh. Lookit this just wait he says. He disappears then comes back a moment later holding a dumbell in either hand. These he starts lifting, Watch he says, curling first the left one up to his shoulder, holding it there squeezing it at the top with a little grunt, then doing the same thing with the right one then doing both of them together. Six times eight ten twelve times he does this, looking right at me almost the whole time right at me. I dont know what else I’m sposed to do I just sit there and watch. I look at his biceps, thickening, mounding, then stretching, enlongating. I look at his chest, expanding, contracting. I look at his nipples, big. I look at the flat flare of his hips. I look at his eyes. He has a bit of grownup stubble on his upper lip, on his chin and along the line of his jaw. His nose is long and narrow. After he’s done sixteen, eighteen, twenty reps he sets the weights down and with a sudden Huh! rears back with his arms up high, hands clenched into fists. You like that? he asks again, his voice tite with restrained force. I blink up at him. I stare at his arms, his bulging biceps hard as twin rocks. Yuh I say. My mouths hanging open. I cant help it. I’m amazed.
Beau strides across the hall towards me – he’s got long legs it dont take more’n a coupla steps – reaches up, grabs the top of the doorframe and leans in. Yuh I could tell you liked that he says. I seen how hard you was looking at me. The way he says that, the way he squints one eye at me when he says it, makes something titen in my belly. He drops his arms and flexes his biceps again, first the right one then the left one then both together. You think that looks good on me? he asks. My wide eyes are popping. In the dense hot air I catch a whiff of his body, his fresh sweat. You look really strong I say.
Damn right he tells me. He backs up a step and takes a quick glance down the hall. Then he walks back into the room, all the way this time looks around a sec finally picking Toads desk to sit at turning the chair round to face me. Toad likes the way I look too he says.
Yuh? I say.
Yuh. Like, I caught him lookin at me once . . . like the same way you was lookin at me just now. See, I’m workin out in my bedroom – just like yknow I was today – I was doin chins and and arms, shoulders whatever . . . Didnt he never tell you none of this?
I shake my head. Na I say.
Yuh well I’m workin out one day, and Toads sittin over here just kinda like starin at me. It was a little weird, yknow, with him just starin at me like that so finally I come over here to his room and I say Whatr you lookin at? He just kinda shrugs, like this, and then he goes like, I dunno. And I say . . . I say umm But you was lookin at me right? And he goes Well how could I help it, you was standin right there. Like he couldnt look anywhere else or nothin, right? So then I walk up to him and I say I been workin out alot lately. You think it shows? And he goes like he says . . . umm just like you did, he goes You look strooong. And I say Yuh I’m gettin pretty strong but dyou think it looks good on me? Cuz like, I really wanted to, yknow, check if my shape looked alright, if I was in porportion and he goes Yuh I think so so I give him a quick biceps pose and I say Dyou think that looks good on me? And he says Yuh. I do. So I tell him, I say Thats aint no boys arm anymore thats what a mans arm looks like. Beau leans forward in his chair, squeezing his left arm up between his knees to show me. Yuh he says. Yuh like that. I showed him just like that. The twin heads of his bicep bulged up hard as a grooved stone. He looked over at me. So whadya think Simon? Does that look good on me? I slide my eyes along his arm, lift them to his face then let them slide back down his arm again. Ya think? he asks.
I shrug not indifferent of course helpless. Ummm . . . yuh I tell him. My eyes look down at the stamps again, and my voice dont come out much more than a whisper. My face is red. Yuh it looks good on you I say. It does. It looks good on you.
Sitting tall in his chair he rears his arms up and gives me a double biceps shot. Thats just what Toad said he grunts, squeezing his fists tite. The muscle in each arm mounds into a round ball. Dropping them again he looks at me direct. So, you like that too he says.
Sure I tell him. You got really big arms Beau. Monster arms.
He likes that I call them that I can tell. He pops his arms up again really hard and grunts some more, then finally relaxes and sits back in his chair – but even then its like he’s strutting for me. Yuh Toad liked them too he murmurs. He liked them too . . .
Yuh? I say.
Uh-huh. And thats when I . . . yknow figured it out.
Oh? I say. Figured what out?
We-ell I figured out that Toad was into yknow . . . He looked at me thoughtfully. Guys.
Toad is? I say. Into guys? Really?
Yuh you sayin you never knew? Cuz I seen him looking at me lots of times. Like when I have my shirt off he’ll be looking at my chest alot. He leaned to one side and made like he was flashing me a nipple and grinned. So I already kinda knew he says. But this one time well when I come into his room . . . yuh I decided to prove it yknow just to find out for sure so I . . . Well shshit I might as well just show ya. He got up from his chair and stood in the center of the room about four or five feet away from me. I did some squats for him first he says. I said You wanna see something? and then I did this. He squatted down, arms extended. Up, down, up, down, and every time he drops his pants bunch up a little titer in the middle. My eyes follow that spot. He squats down like this four five six times while I watch. Then he just stands there a minute as I watch his crotch and the way his thigh muscles even thru his jeans I can see them titening and twitching as he shifts his weight from side to side in a restless little dance. Finally he snaps his fingers a coupla times and I realize he wants me to look at his face so when I look up at him he goes Yuh thats how Toad looked at me too. Just like that. Just. like. that. He paused. Soo . . . you sure he never told you this?
I shook my head.
What about you two. You and him ever yknow . . . mess around together?
No! I say. I dont know if I should be offended or surprised or . . .
But . . . you like guys too right?
Too! I still aint got that part about Toad into my brain yet. Anyways I cant answer that right away anyhow. My mouths got very sticky all of a sudden. I move my lips around but nothing comes out.
Beau says Yuh thats what I thought. His voice sounds sticky too. When I look again I see him staring at me like almost dazed, dreamy dazed. Sooo you ever try it out with anybody else? he asks.
Anybody else! My minds churning but no wordsr coming out.
After waiting a little Beau says Well umm Toad ever tell you that I let him try it out?
Dumbly I shake my head. Then Try what out? I ask weakly.
We-ell like that day when I seen him lookin at me and I came in here I asked him if he wanted to see more. Liiike . . . he seen my arms, he seen my chest – Beau puffed his chest out and held it that way a few seconds – so did he wanna see more? Like did he wanna see my legs maybe?
Ohhh I say. My voice sounds a little bit choked.
Beau spreads his arms out he goes Well? He said yuh. What about you? Dyou wanna see more?
I look over at him. He drops his hands to the waist of his pants, thumbs tugging down, his eyes turned towards me, his whole body edged with impatience.
I nod. Sure I say. I’d like to see your yknow, your legs.
Yuh? he repeats. Yuh? Really? I nod again. Ok he says. Ok, you say you wanna see my legs? I can do that. I can show you my legs. Shshit. He pulls the zipper down on his pants, wiggles them down over his hips, slides one leg out and shakes it free, kicks his foot out of the other and tosses the pants across the hall into his bedroom. His legs are long and lean, his thigh muscles bulking over hard knees. His underwears blue. It fits him titely and it looks very . . . tite cuz . . . Well lets just say it fills my eyes.
You like my legs? he asks. Huh? You think they look ok? He flexes his thigh muscles, pulls his underwear up high on either leg and flexes again, then, turning round, hands on hips, he flares his back open for me. What about that? he asks. Fffuck. Watch this he says. Watch. Turning round again he does another quick series of squats, legs set wide apart. My eyes center on his crotch and stay there. Yuh he says, going down low and bouncing on his haunches, Toad was looking at me just like you are. Just exactly like you are now.
I cant seem to get myself to say anything. And when I do finally my voice comes out funny all throaty and high. Did he? I ask.
Yuh he says. So then I go, I ask him umm You wanna see more? You wanna see even more?
Yuh? So whad he do? Whad Toad say – I think I say. Something like that –
Beau stood up and then starts squatting again. Each time he did he opened his legs a little wider and his underpants pulled a little titer across something under there, something that looked . . . long and . . . thick and . . . Whadyou think he said? What would you say?
Me? I squeak. Uhh, yuh sure. I mean if . . . if you really wanna show me more I . . .
Fffuck he says. He starts pacing around, back and forth. Alright. Alright yuh you wanna see more I’ll show ya more. Sure. I’ll show ya more. Shshit. He pulls his blue underwear off, slides it down his legs in a couple of quick jerks bends over steps out wads it up tosses it out into the hall. My eyes get very big I can feel the lids stretching wide open. Ive never seen such a big . . . dick I whisper the word in my head thats his dick, I’ve never seen one so big and so long before look at the size of his dick his dick. As I look it begins to arc out heavily in front of him, already thickening, already partially hard and bobbing gently in the air. His ballsacs heavy looking too, the wrinkled skin dark brown in color, the hairs growing on it curly curly hairs spreading up and around the sides of his sac joining with the hair on his thighs the hair growing down from his bellybutton gathering in a thick dark bush at the base of his shaft. I cant stop staring. I just cant stop staring. He walks over to me, dick wagging, not stopping until its just a foot or two away from my face. I can hear him breathing. I can hear me panting. You know what else I did? he says. After I showed it to him?
What? I say.
He was breathing harder. I let him play with it.
Play with it? I say.
Yuh. With his hand.
Did he do it? I ask excitedly. Did he . . .
Yuh. He asked me if he could. He goes Can I play with it?
Oh I say. His . . . his dick is sticking straight out in front of him now, its right in front of my face. I reach out a hand, then stop . . .
He shifts his weight back and forth on his feet, his dick rocking, then pauses, waiting.
Umm can I . . . can I play with it? I ask, my voice soft with shyness.
He leans back, steps away from me a pace or two, his eyes reaching towards the door, the hall, searching . . . Yes he says, stepping back in quick, his voice low. But just for a second.
I reach up making to grab hold of it, a bit timidly at first, then give it a little squeeze ffffuck, fuck, ffffuuck. Beau starts shivering. So do I. I dont really know what to do with it so I just start moving my hand up and down the whole length of his dick squeezing it as I go. When I squeeze it at the base I notice the head gets really big. When I cup my fingers over the head and stroke it Beau give a little gasp looking up I see his nostrils flaring. Yuh I like playing with him, I like everything about it. I like the way it feels in my hand. I like how its getting even longer and fatter the more I play with it and how it jumps when I squeeze it and then let go. I look up at him again. His face and neck are deeply flushed, the skin slightly moist with sweat. His mouth is hanging open. He’s staring down at me as if hypnotized. I like the way he looks. I like that he looks like he’s almost tranced. I’m doing that to him. Me. ME.
He asked me if he could put it in his mouth Beau says.
Toad? I squeak. Really? Did he really?
Yuh.
Did you let him?
Beaus voice is husky. Sure he says. Why not? He wanted to. So I let him.
I lean forward a little and open my mouth. Beau takes a step towards me and slowly very slowly puts the head of it inside me. Carefully I close my lips around him. He tastes a little tangy but also – I press my tongue against him, against the groove running up the underside of his cockhead – theres something there that tastes sweet. He shivers again, throws his shoulders back and holds his breath. I wait, holding still until I feel him drooping forward again, heavy with lust. Then I begin to push down slowly on him with my mouth and lips. The head of his dick I notice is very smooth. The skin of his shaft is velvety, but sinews and veins pulse and jerk just underneath. Using my lips to pull him in bit by bit, I move my head down farther, farther, not very far really but as far as I can . . .
Oh fuck he says I cant believe your doin that. Oh fffuck that feels good. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fffuuck . . . Ive only gone down on him once and not even that far really but he’s so horny he grabs my head and holds it in place, I reach up and clutch onto his thighs theyre quivering, he gives a sudden lurch, grunts harshly a few times and starts blasting away in my mouth right then and there. I’d tasted my own cum before. I’d even managed, by rolling back onto my shoulders and lifting my hips up in the air, to squirt part of a few loads into my mouth. So I sorta knew what to expect. Which was good cuz I end up swallowing some of his too, the rest runs out of the sides of my mouth and dribbles down my chin. I go on sucking gently on his dick even when hes done, especially the head. He seems to like that. Alot. He keeps groaning. Suddenly he thrusts into me again and starts squirting some more fffuck fffuck . . . And the way hes got ahold of me, pressing me down on him . . . It turns out I end up swallowing, well alot fffuck . . .
As soon as he’s done that time tho Beau pulls out of me fast and starts backing away. Shshit he says. I cant believe you done that he says. He keeps backing up until he gets to the door. Sticking his head out he scans the hall, listens a sec, then ducks out grabs his underwear and yanks it up over his legs over his dick like hes trying to hide it its still so big and dripping thick drops of cum. Listen he says pulling his jeans on but theyre scrunched up wrong and he has to hop around on one foot awhile I didnt mean it he says.
What dyou mean? I ask. Didnt mean what?
Listen! he hisses, jamming his other foot into his jeans. I never did nuthin with Toad!
But – But you told me – I say.
And you believed me? he says like, incredulous. Now his zippers stuck on his underwear. You really think me and Toad did that? You crazy? He’s my brother.
Oh I say. Oh. Of course. But what . . . what . . .
And dont you go tellin Toad what I said about him he says. He starts pacing around in front of me then he didnt have no shirt to put on so he just paces around in front of me pointing at me with his hard arms and with his nipples still hard and his belly rippling. In fact dont you say nuthin to him about anything. Or anybody else neither. You understand?
You never did nuthin with Toad? I said.
Nooo! Shshit, howd I know youd believe me? We never done any of that stuff! I was just – I was just –
I nod understanding. Ok I say. He looks at me.
Just then, downstairs, we hear the screen door slam. Shit! Beau says. Shshit! His brow furrows darkly and his eyes look all thundery and mean as he glares at me. Now he reminds me of Steve. Listen he says, you ever say anything about this to anybody and I’ll fuckin smash you. We can hear Toad banging around in the kitchen, opening and closing the frigerator door putting the pop away then we hear him in the living room. Next he’s at the foot of the stairs. Beau starts backing into his bedroom. He keeps looking down the hall, then at me. For a moment he stands with one hand on his door, looking like half of him wants to jump out and smash me right then and there while the other half was ready to swing the door shut in my face. And time was running out.
I’ll fuck you up if you tell! he hisses at me. I mean it! He makes a fist and shakes it in my direction. I look at his bicep bulge. I look at his heaving chest. Toads thumping up the stairs. Beaus lip curls up in a sneer he gives me the finger. I’ll fuck you up! he mouths. Finally he shuts the door.
A cautiously pale, smiling face appears at the end of the hall. I give Toad a quick grin in return, then, just at the last moment, remember to duck back into the bedroom and wipe the remaining goo off my chin . . .
Three more times I got to suck Beau off that summer.
Actually he didnt want me to but I told him I’d tell if he didnt let me, I’d tell about what we done already and how he’d made it all happen. He believed me. His face he’d get this look on his face every time this mixture of fear and panic but he never had any problem getting it up tho, or getting off either once I had him in my mouth. That last time in fact I had him really wanting it, he was moaning and groaning and squirming all around . . . And why not? I’d been practicing alot on bananas.
He did tell me tho that first time that I said I wanted him again and what I’d do if he didnt let me that I was kinda creepy, that he thought I was a kinda creepy little guy.
I didnt care. He had a really big dick.
66
I dont tell anyone what he does especially not my mom definitely not my mom. Not my friends. Not Simon. I force myself to not think about it. I make it a requirement. It hangs on me tho its like someone hanging on my back all the time his push his smell. He’s a strong man he works at a lumber yard has for 25 years he’s got a round hard belly and round hard sidehandles/shoulders but he’s starting to show some age now. His body hurts more the joints his back the muscles tired his neck he tells me about it too much he tells me about it like he dont expect nuthin thats how he plays it to work up some sympathy, like he dont expect nuthin from nobody. He keeps on talking about it tho and it only makes him meaner in the end everything does cuz theres no sympathy he discovers to be found. For his strong gristly tired aging body. For the lines growin into his face. I could just say somethin like sorry to hear it or somethin but I dont. Its one small thing I can keep I can keep the lie out of it. That makes it hurt more him/me but I dont care I dont care. Leave me alone.
But you would always listen Simon dont you even tho I cant tell shouldnt shouldnt shouldnt. What the fffuck why do you keep lookin at me that way? Feelin painful like that, somethin you act like you know. How can you you make me think bad things about you sometimes when you act like that. Cuz the weird thing is I think you do know somethin anyways a little bit maybe. You act like you already know it all tho you act like you already know me but you dont you dont. The way you act you make me want to show you all the things he done you dont know. Could you handle it? Ffffuck. Ffffuck. I’d like to tell you about it all the things all the things and if you didnt get it enuf then I’d show you. I’d show you. You with your big wimpy eyes looky lookin at me. Stop it you little punk you little twerp you little whore
67
When the moon is full its light is clarity more than any fires. The moon is father lover son wiseman death breath and under its winking eye shadows harden and brightness falls. This is the worlds essence/of shadow and light. I slip into this rarified world from time to time. I cant help it no matter how much trouble it brings me. The streets are deserted at the edge of this small town this dump of a town this parched town where I live. No cars no people out here this towns a wreck pathetic cowardly scrimpy. The houses look like giant toy blocks under the glow of toy streetlights and moonshines everywhere but full of dark corners too huddling under bushes slanting behind a wall pressed up close to the side of a porch flat backed and peering from the edge of the steps. This town so religious this town so full of bars I live on a dead end street the main road goes down into the center of town into the shallow valley ha! more like a ditch, bitch. Slowing slower walking soft creeping quiet as I get closer to the old playground in case there be any gangers hangin round. But the playground is empty ghostly swings hanging stilly and sliding board like suspended echoing time the line of trees beyond one long dark wall. One night I’ll penetrate that wall I’ll disappear into those trees that wood some night I might it requires not courage I think so much as daring. And why? Just to see what I’d see. Just me.
The air is soft. Night air kisses cool upon the cheek. A bird cries. Around the streetlamps moths and bats fly. I hear crickets. Down down down the street past the playground here the first car comes sliding by. I pause under the shadow of a tree to see if theres more than one person in it. Pretending to adjust my sock bending down a sidelong glance amazing how direct that sidelong glance can be as the car passes and if I like what I see that is if its just one man alone maybe I cast a glance over my shoulder as I start walking away to see if it slows down maybe even turns at the corner thats always a lucky sign. And if I turn right to his turn left well whadya know we just happen to pass each other again somewhere in the middle of the other side. This time I make sure to be under a streetlight as he drives by hopefully slowly I’m sorta lanky thin and smooth and I raise up my arms to stretch my shirt pulls up my belly is flat and the pants I wear are very very tite tite tite.
But if not I keep going down down and around around. Down to the bars the park the convenience store maybe I’ll hang around outside of one cruise round the other go into the store and ask some tall dark and handsome or even shortish bald but beefy guy if he could just . . . lend me some money? Buy me a pack of smokes? It works it works like a charm thank you mr moon this ones maybe forty going bald alright with short curlys peeking out from the neck of his shirt fairly fit body I’d say but with the cutest little pot belly growin on him too. He takes me far far away drivin out some country dirt road and parks there he crouches over me in the half light swallowing me whole hungry hungry hungry as a ghost my shadow man my some you lover my thrill my splash in the night
68
So what is it I like hard people uhhuh. Not the needy ones the suckling babes sucking on your soul. Theres so many fucking contemptible weaks in the world . . . they appal me I mean it they disgust me. Weaks weakles weaklings man babies are bad woman babies are bad and even kids kids sure they can be weaks. Not just vulnerable kids can break your heart while inspiring the deepest mistrust cuz there just kids yknow? They do what they cant help. Of course some people sure are born weaks right from the start theyre pathetic others are fuckups and that turns them into weaks. Dirty fucking bastards. And all of them wanting to snuggle against you up aginst you like worms worming aginst ur side and peerin up at you with pretendin eyes such pretendin eyes there hardly even born yet. But the lie was born with them. And wanting to suck wanting to use there mouths to dissolve a part of me and. to. eat. it. Thats the only thing there brains can think.
They want love they dont know how but they do it with complete purity its almost . . . pretty I ha ha ha ha hate it. My dick swells not my heart and its so big for hate. Steve for instance didnt want it/why I made him take it his lies inside of lies. They need to be fed it who pretend they dont want it I know they need it those kiddie pretenders shatter the lie. Thats what I know thats what Im here for and thats how I tell it. And Im here to teach it plenty you better believe that. I give it to them good I make it count. I shatter/the lie.
Steve knows all about it I’m passing it along father to son thats the way it was with my old man too thats the way it always should be. Father to son its the living life giving/sperm. push. suck. cum. I tell it to him plenty I teach him all about it. It/its the most important thing. Wake up. Wake up! Be a man. Be a man. Raise a fist, raise a hand – I taught him that. I taught him how. Me. Ffffffuckin me. You hear that? Me.
69
Of course I always had a woman around I always had a pussy there to fuck. Fffuck some pussy likes it angry/man likes the feel of a good power fuck. Steve was lucky I was so into sex anytime anyhow as much as I could get. If I hadnt had a woman around sometimes I’d make them wear neckties loose tied neckties around there necks I called all of them pet I wouldve gone after him probly more. And oh holy mother of god how I loved it when there fingernails dug in all around as they started to pull now squeeze em squeeze em squeeze my balls daaamn good times when a woman was there the weekend hed come I’d watch somethin in his eyes relax. So then maybe I’d send pussy away. Just to watch his eyes turn back. Twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen. Maybe I’d give pussy a lay maybe now I’d do it where he could hear maybe now I’d leave the door open just a crack so he could wander by and watch. Hed never know see its like playing music, sometimes you hit one note then you hit another. One weekend fuck maybe I just wasnt into being a dad. Next weekend maybe I was. Another weekend maybe I had a whole shitload of stuff to tell him about being a dad. So I’d make him listen. I’d make him listen.
Fuckings like anger management thats what they dont ever get. When ur fucking you can just . . . punch it in and punch it punch it punch it in. You can holdem down and cuffem a few times side of there head if they start actin up and just fuckin . . . ram it home. Fuckin split there guts open its a fuckin grate feelin I fuckin . . . I mean dam. I fuckin luv it! All the churned up feelins in ur belly turn into bolts of electricity shortin somethin out in your head. Then ur near peace. Fffuck I luv that feeling I fuckin luv the whole thing. I luv it so much when I dont get it enuf I start punchin holes in the wall. Its my way of jacking off the pains almost as good as a cum then I want to give as well as receive. Put it all together and you make somethin, create an atmosphere a tension a mood. Hate me boy. Cmon boy hate ur daddy . . .
Steve dont like it he dont like nuthin about it. Thats good thats how I want it. But the other one him I aint so sure about. I think he might be a turnon if I let him he acts like a fuckin dick squirt. Hes the small willowy type I raped a guy like that once. Back in prison this guy kept tryin to find ways to have me he keeps lookin at me he be wantin to hang around me all the time be wantin to touch me finally he tells me right out he wants to do me wants to put his mouth on me wants to lickit lickit lickit! Says it right out just like that grinnin at me like an idiot and battin his fat eyelids. So I gave it to him. Hard and fast. Only not in the mouth. I gave it to him in a place and in a way that made him not want it anymore. Bumped his head against the wall a few times in the process. Boy did he howl! Well I shattered that lie anyhow broke it wide opened it up made it bleed. He knew better than to tell anybody. And after that I had the bitch any time I wanted. Never fun for him of course. Funs opposite. Just how I like it.
Aww fuck all that its about fuckin my friend fffuckins not about sex just fuckin fuckin fuckin unhhh. unhhh. unhhhhh. Just like that. And nuthin more . . . Wait. Theres a knock on the door whadya wanna bet its Friday whadya wanna bet its Steve.
It is. Good.
Cmere boy.
70
The sun burns thru the sky. The sun scalds my purply eye. The sun boils in the lap of foaming clouds. It fumes/like a rotten egg. Ffffuck. The sky stinks the rain stinks all the water stinks like asshole anymore its a little bit of rot a little somethin rancid it makes you fuckin nausious if you smell it too long. Twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen long long in there somewhere things started to happen. People start puryfyin long long in there. Huh like they had the power. Maggots. Fffuck. Fffuck the fuckers! Its a fuckin . . . gods nature humans the unholy triumvertrio. So fuck the fuckers thats freedom you taste it. If you havent you should shut your fuckin mouth cuz you dont even know. Taste it taste it honeypot fuck her hard up the ass fuck him even harder and stank them both. Thats a lay. Thats luv. Thats a lie. I just proved it. See? What people dont understand about someone like me is that theres a reason behind what I do.
Fffuck. Fffuck! Fuck fuck fffuck. FUCK. Its the national language. International. Its the language of the species its what life is be livin being alive. So heres what you need a nice mix of drugs alcohol regular exercise and healthy food. Play them like notes whats the note gonna be today? A low pitched buzzdog maybe louder maybe softer faster later higher. Drillin in drillin down. Its what I here all day long music this dark brooding halflight this room its all this mental shit I got goin on I aint no dummy shiiit. Or its the pulse. It grows at the back of my neck thats the drum ba bump/ba bump fffuck how many people know theyre alive like this – see? I got heart. My lungs expandin now my cock be gettin a little . . . intrested now its an emergency five ten fifteen twenty pushups I squeeze my pecs together titty tite. Theyre still good. For an old man fffuck. All of me is. Is cuz all me. All day Im pumped with it my hips loose when I walk I can feel my dick swingin too and my balls slappin around. Thats the pulse. Or theres a high pitched ringin in my ears two three four single notes never stopping never changin pitch never stopping finally never fading completely this is the sound of copper wires tangled jagged electric ringin ringin ringin in my ears.
All this is what I teach my boy my little Stevie in his mouth up his ass cmere boy, cmere. Come fetch daddy a bone. And a nice shower of golden putrifaction to wash away the pain. He receives these gifts like a defeated asshole but underneath I can feel the bile brewin ready to be spewin. Under the whimpers and the cryin theres pure hate churnin way down below like lava makes him hot for me. Yeah boy hate me hate me I fuckin luv it. Its what I can give him/its exactly what he deserves. My little stevie weavie. Ffffuck already theres been fightin on our own soil. Twice. Peopleve died Ive looked at the pictures twisted done twitchin in spread pools of blood and always with that same stupid look on there faces eyes dead empty. Makes me laugh. Hell maybe therell be bombs next. Right here, hometown. Thatd be sooo fffucked up! Maybe troops maybe snipers who knows? A man can dream. Fffuck tear it all down lips drawn back teeth bared rip it to shreds. Start it all over. Everything oh fffuck. I have wept for my country fffuck I would give my life for this country I would give my life to prevent what must now come to pass. All over but greed. And Im what survives. Im a hungry hungry man.
Hate. Theres nuthin else like it. So cmere. Cmere little stevie weavie. Nope. Down on all fours. Cmon you know how remember I showed you? Crawl on over here to Daddy thats a good boy that a real good boy. Daddys got a bone for you can you find it? Yeah? You think you can? Well how bout I just lean back in this chair and lets see. Lets just see what you can find . . . Yeah thats a good boy. Doggy found a bone didnt he? Good boy. Now how bout you just lean in and . . . Yeah. Doggy got a bone doggys a gooood boy. Doggy hungry? Doggy wanna eat? Yeah you can undo that. Go ahead I allow ya. There ya go. Thats my good doggy boy. There ya go yeah! Whadya find? You like that? You like that? Uhhuh. What you gonna do with that? Aww yeah there ya go. There ya go. Fffuck. Yeah why dont you just get your head right on down in there and . . . yeah fffuck why dont you just give your ol dad a big lick. Thats it. From the base right up to the tip . . . Aww yeah do it again. Do it again for Daddy. Thats my good boy. Thats my goood good boy.
In the end it wasnt Steve who gave the old man what he got, fuckin raped him ffffuckin held the old fart down and made him take it take it take it! stuck it in that dried up scared little pooch of his you fuckin take it you piece of shshit you hear me blood workin just fine for the slippery slide now you fuckin take it take it taaake it! you filthy old hole Im gonna rip you a new one literaly, Im gonna fuckin . . . rip you up inside . . .
Steve saw him alright later he got off on it alright but it wasnt Steve did that to him.
That was me.
PART SEVEN
END